What Does Woman Want?

Freud asked, “Was will das Weib?” (“What does woman want?”). Lucy Holmes and Bollas answered many decades later:

“What does woman want? She wants to be able to use her empathy and intuition in the service of her own ego. She wants the feminine tendency to identify to be a tool, not a prison. She wants to be liberated from the oppression of the internal triangle and be able to encounter her internalized objects playfully, not compulsively. The longing implied in Feud’s original question, “Was will das weib?” expresses an important idea and it is this: Life becomes complex, rich, and meaningful only when we can experience and savor both self and other.” It is important to note that it is only when this “savoring” of one’s self and other is done with the capacity to love the other void of pathological narcissism and fixed unconscious drives that negatively and pathologically ritualize the way we maltreat others.” (1)

“Bollas (1987, 62) said that the creation of a space for the holding of the self as an object of one’s nurture is an essential contribution that clinical psychoanalysis can make to the patient. But if the internal triangle is characterized by a rather impoverished ego being tyrannized by two or more toxic parental imagoes, it becomes difficult or impossible to access the space required for the nurturance and feeling of the self. How then can an analyst work with the oppressively “feminine” woman to help her carve out such a space?” (1)(2)

Although this space is constructed in the weekly hour-long clinical interview, the need to carve out this time in daily life remains a necessity for a lifetime. Women usually achieve some “me time” through a multitude of ways including workouts, meditation and prayer, yoga, and connecting with loved ones or friends. Again it is important to reiterate that it is only when this “savoring” of one’s self and other is done with the capacity to love the other in a truly healthy way; void of pathological narcissism and fixed unconscious drives that negatively and pathologically ritualize the way we maltreat ourselves and others.

“Hoffman (1996, 38) wrote that Freud’s theories about women were consistently based on the adolescent conception that women’s passions are dangerous and need to be controlled.” (1)(3) Since Freud’s body of work can be seen as a progression from a masculine, nineteenth-century worldview, (4) based on science and rational logic, to a more feminine and modern perspective that is broad enough to include the importance of intuition and the unconscious (Breger 1981), (5) women aren’t viewed as vessels that must be commandeered and controlled, mastered like an animal.

Since the internal triangle gives meaning to the idea that “three’s a crowd” the maternal and paternal introjects have powers that the little girl doesn’t possess, the female ego is almost always bullied by its own introjects, and this encourages the submission, passivity, and masochism that are associated with the truly “feminine” woman. This intrapsychic dynamic is implicated in the almost universal subordination of women that anthropologists and sociologists describe. (1)

I would like to reiterate that women don’t want to be controlled or commandeered like some maritime vessels. Woman wants to be free to creatively express and enjoy her internal objects, her sexuality, skillfully and playfully, void of sanctions that confine her to a position, a symbol, of muted space with denied rights. The tether of electronic chains are no different than the metal chains that imprisoned Ariel Castro’s three victims; Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight. Snatched, chained, imprisoned and denied their freedom. All were oppressed to his will and desires. (6)

Source Reference:

(1) Holmes, Lucy. (2008) “The Internal Triangle: New Theories of Female Development.” New York. Jason Aronson. Chapter 4, “What Does Woman Want? A New Perspective,” pg. 75-89.

(2) Bollas, C. (1987). “The Shadow of the Object.” New York. Columbia University Press.

(3) Hoffman, L. (1996) “Freud and feminine subjectivity.” JAPA 44, supplement: 23-44.

(4) Dijkstra, B. (1986) “Idols of Perversity; Fantasies of Feminine Evil in Fin-de-Siècle Culture.” New York. Oxford University Press.

(5) Berger, L. (1981). “Freud’s Unfinished Journey: Conventional and Critical Perspectives in Psychoanalytic Theory.” London. Routledge and Kegan Paul.

(6) Ariel Castro Kidnappings. Wikipedia. Retrieved online January 8, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ariel_Castro_kidnappings